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The TARDIS flew through the air of space,
flashing past planets and gaseous clouds. Inside, the Doctor was lecturing
his passengers on how foolish humans are. 'The human mind is frail and
easily distracted,' he said. 'You could not possibly comprehend the physics
of the fifth dimension, the dimension that allows us to become not mortals,
but masters of time!'
Barbara sat leaning on the control panel, bored by the Doctor's constant
rambling. She looked at the withered old man and thought how much he looked
like William Hartnell from Carry On Sergeant. In fact, she thought that if
he were a few hundred years younger he would be pretty good looking. Barbara
had grown tired of her affair with Ian. She was beginning to miss her old
husband and children back on Earth.
Meanwhile, Susan was in her bedroom on board the TARDIS, listening to
psychedelic freak-out music. Suddenly, the wild tunes of Gerry and the
Pacemakers began to turn into a high-pitched blare. Susan threw off her
headphones and screamed at the top of her voice. Barbara and Ian ran into
the room, and the Doctor slowly walked in behind them.
'Susan,' Barbara cried, 'What on earth is the matter?'
'It's the headphones,' Susan shrieked. 'They made my ears… freak out.'
'That's bloody stupid,' Ian said. 'How can headphones possibly make your
ears "freak out?" '
'Not so, you ignorant humans,' the Doctor interrupted. 'The interference
Susan experienced while listening to the radio was no doubt due to the
TARDIS approaching the planet Biapho.'
'Hold on one flaming minute,' Ian said. 'We're in far-flung space in another
millennium. What radio signals are there going to be?'
'Simple, you fool,' the Doctor began to explain. 'The signal from BBC Radio
is strong and clear wherever you are. There is never a reason to miss out on
its exciting programs.'
'Now, back to the "freak out",' Barbara said.
'Ah, yes,' the Doctor was reminded. 'The inhabitants of the planet Biapho
are currently engaged in a nuclear war.'
'That's a poignant parallel to our own planet's problems,' Barbara said.
'Yes, it presents the opportunity for social commentary,' the Doctor agreed.
'As you know, nuclear explosions create magnetic pulses. This is what
interfered with the BBC's normally strong signal.'
'Grandad,' Susan asked, 'Why are we going to Biapho? Is it to stop them from
fighting?'
'Oh no, child,' the Doctor said. 'It is of the utmost importance that we do
not interfere with their evolution. We are instead going there to collect
specimens.'
'What sort of specimens?' Ian asked.
'We shall capture people of Biapho and experiment on them,' the Doctor made
clear. 'The study of live specimens is important in our repairing of the
TARDIS - namely, fixing it so it can once again change form.'
'Are the people of Biapho hostile?' Barbara asked.
'Oh, no,' the Doctor said. 'In fact, you will be surprised to learn that
they happen to look just like humans. There is one problem, however…'
'What's that?' Ian inquired.
'The people of Biapho,' the Doctor began, 'Have an irrational fear and
hatred of police call boxes.'
'That's an unusual phobia,' Susan said.
'Yes, it is quite bizarre,' the Doctor admitted. 'Their entire society turns
to anarchy at the sight of one. I'm a little worried about how they will act
towards us when we arrive in one.'
The TARDIS landed on the planet Biapho. The four travellers waited inside,
cautiously waiting for violence to begin outside. But they did not hear
anything.
'Most unusual,' the Doctor remarked. 'I was quite sure we would have been
slaughtered by now.'
'Should we open the door and see what's going on outside?' Ian asked.
'Yes,' Barbara said. 'Let's find out why they're completely silent.'
They carefully opened the door and peered outside. They could see a cliff in
the distance, and standing atop it was a solitary figure.
'Oh no,' Barbara cried, 'He's going to jump!'
They ran towards the lone man, but the Doctor stayed behind. 'No, you
fools!' he yelled, 'We must not interfere! We must only observe his
behaviour.'
As Ian ran ahead, he stopped in his tracks at the sight below him.
Thousands, perhaps millions of people had thrown themselves into what had
once been a canyon. 'Mass suicide,' he said.
'Such a waste,' the Doctor exclaimed. 'So many live specimens gone.'
'Surely you can still dissect them,' Barbara said.
'Yes,' conceded the Doctor, 'But we cannot study their dialect or view their
mating rituals when they're dead.'
'Grandad,' Susan asked, 'Why are all those people sleeping in the canyon?'
'Er… they're having a Scout Jamboree and they all have to sleep outside,'
Barbara lied, 'during the day.'
Meanwhile, Ian had reached the remaining resident of Biapho. 'For God's
sake, don't jump!' he yelled.
The solitary man spoke. 'Everyone else jumped as soon as they saw you
arrive… but, I don't know… I just didn't find your police call box that
scary after all. I mean, that's all they teach us in schools - if you see a
police call box, you must kill yourself… that and how to build nuclear
weapons.'
'But why?' Ian asked. 'Why are your people scared of police call boxes?'
'I'm not sure… I was about to jump, but it just didn't seem right. I mean,
they're nothing but blue phone boxes, really.'
By now the others had caught up. The Doctor cried 'Good Lord, a survivor! We
must find a female survivor immediately and force them to mate.'
'Here, hang on…' the survivor said. 'Something's coming back to me. I
remember you, old man! Centuries ago you arrived on Biapho and taught us how
to build atomic bombs. Then you told us people in the Northern hemisphere
that the people in the Southern hemisphere said we were ignorant mortals,
and we've been at war ever since.'
'Ha!' laughed the Doctor. 'I have done you a great service. Your planet
would be dangerously overpopulated without nuclear war.'
'That's because you also personally taught most of our women to mate more
efficiently, you interfering old git!'
'I believe,' Barbara began, 'That the Doctor owes the people of Biapho an
apology.'
'To make it up to you,' the Doctor offered, 'I will take you away from this
destroyed planet, and you can join our adventures through the five
dimensions.'
'Grandad,' Susan asked, 'What does "mate" mean?'
'Well, Susan…' Barbara began, 'At a Scout Jamboree… actually, that's not a
good example…'
'I know,' the Doctor said. 'Let's travel to the planet Rorst so you can ask
your grandmother.'
THE END
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